Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
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Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around