Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living