Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.