ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.