me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!