@IamEveryDayPpl: Cop: *searching my car* "WHERE IS IT? I KNOW IT'S HERE!" Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd* "IT'S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!"

@KeetPotato: kid dressed as dog: "trick or treat" me: wife: "give him some chocolate then" me: "i don't want to kill him linda"

@man_spach: My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

@ChaseMit: Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

@Alex_N_Chains: "After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands." - Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy