Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
first you must answer his riddles
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
People buying plungers never look happy.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.