ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.