Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
If only
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars