Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Not all heroes wear capes….
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.