ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
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Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
the battle rages on