Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
WHO DID THIS?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Perfect.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Oh my God.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.