[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Worlds greatest photobomb
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.