ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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the three genders
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
sensitive skin
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
There is wisdom there.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used