ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
You Might Also Like
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.