ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.