Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.