Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Cats are still liquid.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what