My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.