Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.