Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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man: wait
time: no
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
The first one, obviously
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.