Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut