My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
You had me at “define legal”.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!