me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.