Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.