ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
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Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls