[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
this has to be peak English
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.