@Karissajem: Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Me: Yes.
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@ManJuggs: If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
@jonnysun: "caramelized" is just a word chefs use if they burn things caramelized onion caramelized apple caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
@goonxiety: Someone's only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.
@juneohara65: 5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up? Me: Let's not rush things, OK?
@WittySassBasket: 'What just cracked?' A guide to aging.
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