Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.