@BaldyLockzz: Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

@LoneWolfStories: Her: OMG! The holidays aren't an excuse to stuff your face with whatever edible that crosses your path. Me: I eat like this everyday.

@DsTwitz: If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.

@jessokfine: If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn't leave any cash, just a note that says I'VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

@Darlainky: Son: "I don't have any clean underwear." Me: "Have you checked your bedroom floor?" Son: "Yeah. All those are dirty." Me: ........