@kimtopher22: I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say "I don't know, do you THINK I look fat?"

@TheHyyyype: [i witness a crime] COP: we'll need you to come down to the station and make a statement ME: ok [at the station] ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

@murrman5: [roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair [me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

@ashmensch: Silent Night, Holy Night, All is calm, CORNDOG FIGHT.

@ehdannyboy: ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur *silence for 10mins* ME: is Arthur coming or