@kimtopher22: I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say "I don't know, do you THINK I look fat?"
@TheHyyyype: [i witness a crime]
COP: we'll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
@murrman5: [roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
@ashmensch: Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,
CORNDOG FIGHT.
@ehdannyboy: ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
COMMENTS