does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
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Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
#NeverForget
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up