ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
We have a winner.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
This classic never gets old . . .
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer