ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
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If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.