college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win