announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.