Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
IT’S-A ME,
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Oh my God.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?