I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?