ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”