ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.