[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue