Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
oh shit
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.