Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
*seductively eats two tums*
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*