Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.