Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it