ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.