me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.