Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
motivation
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
How I’d get arrested…
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.