When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Autocarrot sucks!
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
never ask a starfish for directions
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.