Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”