Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
No Google it does not
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.