Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.