Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
You Might Also Like
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
what’s really going on
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.