Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
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“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.